Movie Review: The VelociPastor (2019)

Director: Brendan Steere

Performers: Greg Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Aurelio Voltaire, and Fernando Pacheco De Castro

The funniest movie I’ve seen this year!

When young priest Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) witnesses his parents’ deaths, he begins to question his faith. On a mission of self-discovery, he travels to China only to encounter an ancient artifact that gives him a spectacular superpower: the ability to shift into a Velociraptor when angry. Now even more conflicted, he embarks on a quest to live with his powers. Little does he know that a mysterious band of ninjas are trailing his every move.

Where do I start with The VelociPastor? It’s a B-movie with feeling, satirizing religion, Kung-Fu movies, and monster movies. It’s full of dark comedy and meme-worthy moments. It’s low budget in a good way.

And Be sure of this: The VelociPastor is destined for cult status. It’s already making waves in horror circles, and garnering writer/director Brendan Steere loads of sudden attention. His nods to the audience and genre are affectionate and heartfelt in the way only small budget films can afford. It’s a breath of fresh air.

I want to make fan art of this. Yes, it’s that much fun.

It’s got so many great moments, including a cameo from the legendary musician and gothic homemaker himself Aurelio Voltaire! Best of all, a pastor who turns into a velociraptor. Just watch that trailer and then see if you can honestly say I’m wrong.

Seriously, what’s not to love?

Warning: Spoilers ahead!

The Velocipastor is the kind of movie you come across every so often that revels in B-movie humor and over-the-top situations for maximum hilarity. It doesn’t take itself seriously, and it’s a hilarious romp through dark humor as Doug becomes a Velociraptor vigilante, deals with his coworker Father Stewart (Fernando Pacheco De Castro) believing he’s possessed by a demon, encounters a disastrous exorcism attempt by Altair (Aurelio Voltaire) and battles ninjas with a romance in the middle of it all. The effects are hilariously low budget, think using a medical exam chair from a doctor’s office instead of an actual hospital bed, and the gore even more so. But this is what gives it charm. If you’re a fan of movies like Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (2001), you’ll enjoy this one a lot. It has similar themes and quotable lines with some bizarre situations that made me laugh aloud. It’s not a clever social commentary like Young Frankenstein (1974) or a gore humor like Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995).

The positive about this approach is that the film makes so many tongue-in-cheek choices that even elements that may seem like problems can be explained away as directorial choices. It’s a fun movie, but it’s targeting a very specific demographic.

The Velocipastor is now available on digital and DVD as of August 13th.

Rating: 4/5

The VelociPastor is now available to rent or own. There’s no excuse to put off this gem. Rent it tonight and watch with a friend and your adult drink of choice. You’ll thank me later.

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